Let me just say to the Internets and the mainstream media, I get it. I really do. This isn’t going to be one of those blog posts decrying celebrity-obsessed culture when there are so many more important things in the world. The TMZ video of the leaked elevator “fight” was amazing. And I’ve been having fun with my friends sending each other GIF’s with funny phrases about the spat for two days straight. So like I said, I get it. True, I don’t like it when the NY Daily News has covers that look like it should be on the NY Post. But I must admit there is a delicious salaciousness there. Still there are a couple of issues.
Like this whole what did Jay Z say or do to make her attack him? OMG, it must have been really bad to have Solange go THAT CRAZY! needs to stop. Let me just say that Jay displayed an amazing amount of self-restraint. And I think we can all agree that if positions were reversed and Jay just started to go all Fight Club on Solange, nobody would be asking now what on earth did she do piss off him off so much? It would have been more like a tsunami of hatred directed toward him because no matter what she may have said or done, violence is wrong. Moving right along.
Why is Beyoncé pretending to be a statue? She must be OK with the attack or knows what her sister is capable of and doesn’t want to be next. OK, let me just state for the record that I have no idea why the attack happened, the interpersonal relationships between the parties, if Solange is mentally stable to begin with or high on PCP that night. Only the four people on that elevator have any idea of what transpired and why. Anyone who says differently like they have the secret lowdown is selling something. I mean the internet is the internet so whatever. But do we really have to hear what random Politicos tell us that the only reason it happened was so-and-so? I’m looking at you, MSNBC. Worse yet, supposedly serious news broadcasters tell you what really happened according to their “sources.” Your cousin’s interesting theory about the real reason the fight happened without actual knowledge of the event or the parties involved, makes him a lot of things. None of those things is a source however. Just because said theory has a vague patina of truthiness, doesn’t make it true. Looking at you rest of the world. Some of these people speak so authoritatively. Yeah yeah, you’ve totally got Memphis Bleek on speed-dial. I’m so sure Jay told him and now you’re getting the exclusive.
OK, I’ll play too. My “sources” tell me that the real reason Solange went buck wild on Jigga-man wasn’t because he wanted to party without her and Beyoncé. Nor was it because some woman got too close to Jay-Z at the gala (for the record, both stories appeared in the same paper). No, the real reason Solange attacked Jay-Z was because he refused to initiate her into the Illuminati. As for Beyoncé, she wasn’t just standing there. She was quietly chanting a dark magical ritual that required her to be perfectly still. The sad part is that this was the final test for Solange. Suffice it to say, secret societies can’t have you acting a fool whenever something doesn’t go you way. Such a rookie mistake.
Oh Solange, you were so close!
Or maybe I just made that entire story up out of whole cloth. Hey, I’m really starting to get the hang of this whole media thing.
Categories: Random Rant