Top 10 Fake CPAC Panels

By ticorules on March 17, 2013 • ( 0 )

As many of you fine readers as aware, the Conservative Political Action Conference has been going on this week. Many conservative luminaries have been giving speeches and hosting panels such as Ann Coulter, John Sununu, Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Wayne LaPierre. To quote Bill Maher, “It’s a who’s who of WTF.”

And I have to agree: this conference lends itself more to entertaining lists and snippets of absurdity than the regular long-form review. So originally, this post was going to be a top ten list of CPAC book signings, but nearly every featured book was like Socialist Kenyans Bent on Destroying America and Obamacare: A Survival Guide, and to dedicate a whole post to picking apart the crazy in some of their real-life panel and lecture events* (see the footnotes) is to risk draining the fun out of some really top-shelf unintentional self-parody. So I thought it might be better to come up with a fake Top Ten list instead.

So, without any further ado: here are the Top Ten (Fake) Panels from CPAC 2013 (Events That Didn’t Happen But Probably Could Have).

10. Small Government Roundtable: Chaired by lobbyists from energy companies, defense industry contractors, Big Pharma and the pro-life movement
9. Standing Up for Traditional Marriage: A speech by Newt Gingrich
*8. Conservative Inclusion: Promoting the Freedom Message to all Americans (just kidding), with Steve King
7. Protecting Your Kids From the Pro-Gay Agenda, tips and techniques from Marcus Bachmann
6.Women’s Rights: Why making 25% less is no big deal, a ladies’ only event hosted by Ann Romney
5. The Immigrant Experience: The magic of being too lazy to work while simultaneously stealing all of our jobs, with Ted Cruz
*4. Deflecting Charges of Racism with John Sununu.
3. Kindergarten Cops: How Arming Five-year-olds is the Secret to Safer Schools by Wayne LaPierre
2. Ignoring Science: Secrets to a Happy Life with Congressman Paul Brown.
1. Legitimate Rape: Your Fault or God’s Plan? led by Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock

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*8. Conservative Inclusion was a real panel discussion. I merely added the just kidding part for the LULZ. Just because a black person is leading the panel doesn’t mean you are the party of inclusion.

*4. Deflecting Charges of Racism was actually discussed at a CPAC panel entitled: Trump the Race Card: Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist and You Know You’re Not One? Within this panel, a white nationalist suggested that slaves should have been grateful for slavery. You can’t make this stuff up folks.