I can’t believe it’s been a year since I started this blog. Or non-blog, as I was fond of saying, and saying, and saying ad nauseam. Things have changed quite a bit. And I’m not just talking about our looks. What started out as a venue for me to express my frustration at political reporting around the 2012 Presidential Election has grown into something a lot bigger. Now I express my frustration on anything, from sports to any bit of geekery that come across my path!
From my inaugural post back on October 3, 2012 until now, there have been 116 posts which is insane. Even more insane, I’ve written all but three of these posts. I have no idea how I’ve come so far except that my friends tell me to keep writing and people on the Internets keep reading. So thanks everyone for the views and support. Now if you could just threaten five of your friends with bodily harm if they don’t also check out my weird combination of political analysis, sci-fi and comic references, dating advice, social commentary, and porn, your humble non-blogger-in-chief would appreciate it. If not, well, what the hell good are you anyway? 😉
Special thanks to the MexicanMathLady, my editor extraordinaire and CrankyChica who’s also come at me with a red pen. Both have been guest-contributors and people I can bounce ideas off of. They make things better.
Now without further ado and as determined by Westeros Law, some sort of retrospective is warranted, nay demanded, after surviving the Internets for a year. Let’s check out some of the highlights and give out some awards for the past year-in-blogs.
And the award goes to: Señor Carlos Danger! Tough category with a couple nice turns of phrase, a literary reference and zombies. But as the famous song from Avenue Q goes, “the Internet is for porn.” And Weiner Boldly Pushes Forward is about as pornographic as it gets. This is also the only thing he’s winning this year.
“Best” Use of Racism:
Ann Coulter – for turning a question about the Sandy Hook massacre into a weird racial attack against black people.
Antonin Scalia – for suggesting that blacks being able to vote is a racial entitlement. How dare they?!
Peggy Noonan – because every time she talks about the President you can faintly hear the theme song from the movie Shaft.
Rand Paul — For confusing the references in his premium cable subscription with actual Latinos in real life.
The National Review – for likening the Affordable Care Act and the Obama administration to “a street-corner drug dealer.” Truly, the National Review is like the Coke Classic of racism.
Charlie Webster – for making a voting scandal out of whole cloth so ridiculous that even he couldn’t keep up with the lies.
Several black men Dozens of black men Hundreds of black men descended on rural Maine to fix the 2012 election. Don’t worry, though, he’s totally not a racist. He plays basketball with a black dude.
And the winner is: Former Chair of the Republican Party of Maine, Charlie Webster. It’s difficult to beat Ann Coulter in any category including racism. But Mr. Webster simply outdid himself. Besides the category is “best” use of racism, not who’s the most racist. Sorry Ann. Not only did Webster invent spooky black guys rigging elections, but the numbers just kept going up. And even though, according to Mr. Webster, no one in Maine knows any black people, he found one to play basketball with on weekends. Plus, not many people can seem even more racist while apologizing for a previous racist incident. Mr. Webster was without peer this year. National Review, I expected better. Lately your racism has been prepackaged and probably outsourced to China.
Worst Bits of “Journalism”
CNN’s John King – for putting every brown person in Massachusetts in danger because according to
the voices in his head sources familiar with nothing in particular, the Boston Bombing suspects were dark-skinned males. If by dark skin you mean those of Chechen ancestry, your Pulitzer should arrive shortly.
Politico’s Glenn Thrush/Donavan Slack – for contributing to the nation’s collective stupidity by penning the article Is Obama Likable Enough. Because why can’t the President be nicer with those who want to bring down his Presidency by any means necessary, is what passes for hard-hitting journalism within Politico’s confines.
The National Review’s Editors – Bet you didn’t realize that Republicans shouldn’t bother with immigration reform. Not because it’s not a serious problem mind you. But since Hispanics vote for Democrats and come from single-parent homes, why bother? #republicanoutreach
Politico’s Donavan Slack – If you’ve ever thought to yourself that what the White House Briefing room needs is some hardcore hip-hop, have we got a treat for you! Apparently, Ms. Slack knew the completion would be tough this year. So she actually quoted a Jay-Z song in order to question the administration on its policy towards Cuba.
CNET’s Molly Wood – It’s bad enough to be in the iCult (affectionately known as the white ear bud mafia) but for an executive editor of a well-known tech blog not being able to figure out basic functionality of a smart phone, that is truly impressive. Who wants objectivity and professionalism anyway? Certainly not CNET readers.
And the winner is: Donavan Slack. It’s rare to have a nominee who appears twice in one category but Ms. Slack was simply a force to be reckoned with this year. Not only was she part of the team that brought you the tripe about Obama not being nice enough to the Republicans but she also thinks quoting rap lyrics is akin to Congressional testimony. Expect to see her back here next year for her intrepid reporting on how Obama hates babies, kittens and the American Way. Well, maybe not babies. But definitely kittens.
Most Fun to Write: Since this is my blog, I want to give some acknowledgement to some posts that really just wrote themselves. As a guy with a family and a day job, I appreciate it when these things are easy!
Top 10 Fake CPAC Panels – any time you can up with a not only a bunch of fake CPAC panels, but also immediately name the real conservatives who would have chaired them, you know you’re on to something. 4.) Deflecting charges of racism with John Sununu is about the closest I’ve gotten to an Onion article.
Jay-Z to Cuba – Not only do I get to make fun of the reporter for perpetrating nonsense on the white house briefing room, the American public, and the profession of journalism itself, I also got to imagine a world where Donavan Slack tries to solve crimes via questioning government officials about Johnny Cash lyrics. #winning!
Urge to Kill Rising – This one has a little something for everyone. Enhanced interrogations techniques, Star Trek references, sound effects from Galaga, researchers sitting around a table trying to figure out how to make an MRI as uncomfortable as possible. All that from an annoying trip to the doctor’s office.
WBC Gets Pwned By 5-Year Old – The fake conversation between the WBC shithead and the 911 operator just makes me happy.
911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
WBC shithead: There’s a little girl across the street from our building. She’s selling lemonade!! You have to stop her!!
911 Operator: Is she in trouble?
WBC Shithead: Yes! She’s not just selling lemonade. It’s PINK lemonade. The gayest of all ades!
And the award goes to: WBC Gets Pwned by 5-Year Old. Sorry fake CPAC panels, you’re great and all but nothing beats a five-year old getting the best of hate mongers. Lemonade 1, Haterade 0.
Most Important: Sometimes this blog covers things that are trivial but fun (or, in the case of the CNET thing, trivial but nerdrage-inducing). Other times it covers issues that actually matter. Here are a few excerpts from posts about issues that this simple blogger really thinks more people should notice, care about, and even read about here if you’re so inclined.
As much as the apologists are hollering right now about rights, due process and following procedure, a lot of the American judicial process — particularly in high-profile cases like this — is about a larger cultural narrative. And in America, our cultural narrative does not allow for individual black people to be innocent victims.
“Perpetuation of racial entitlement,” Jesus! How racist do you have to be to even suggest that minorities not only having the same rights as everyone else, but also having actual access to those rights, is a bad thing?
Let this be a lesson to anyone who hears about a study. The person on TV explaining the study’s results probably doesn’t understand what the study actually says and they definitely didn’t read the thing. Let’s check the scoreboard. To date there are no reputable studies that show a positive link between violent media and actual violence. Despite the recent tragedies in Newtown and Aurora, homicides are at historic lows. Other modern countries see the same movies and play the same video games as we do. The biggest difference between the United States and other modernized countries is access to guns. Put this all together and what does the media give you? Apparently, we must return to the idyllic time before violent media when the murder rate was more than twice its current level.
What a plan.
The Ron Burgundy “Go Fuck Yourself San Diego” Award. This award celebrates posts where people are told to go fuck themselves in fun and exciting ways
John Sununu in Back in Black
Thank you, John. Thank you for re-confirming that even the most sober and thoughtful political analysis, when filtered through the filthy, rusted and uneven mesh of your mind, can turn into something irrelevant, petty and ugly enough to be actively damaging to the political discourse.
I’m done with you. You can go away now.
Democrats in Magical Unicorns
But you people, progressives, liberals, democrats, whatever you want to call yourselves need to wake the fuck up. Oh I’m sorry. Is pulling the nation back from the brink of financial calamity plus the list above not impressive enough for you? I’m sorry that Washington still sucks, the world isn’t perfect and you never got your magical unicorn in the mail.
You’re such a pestilence!
Mitt Romney in Romney on FEMA
Nothing like any day of the week to make the man completely change a previously held position and then try and make it seem as if there’s never been a change. It’s like watching Guy Pearce in Memento. Every day he gets up and has no idea what has come before.
The New York Post – Dirty Sexy Obamacare
As a New Yorker, the Post is just one of those things that one learns to live with, a farcical mash up of the worst available appeals to ignorance and callousness. For the uninitiated, picture a publication that’s as celebrity obsessed as the National Enquirer with the social conscience of Fox News’ Sean Hannity and a reading level that can never quite break through Grade 3, and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what its articles are like.
The Family Research Council in Trust Me, Christians are not a “Hated Minority”
If I were a betting man, I would put $0.00 or less on the table for the possibility that facts, reason, logic or actual cudgels could be used effectively to beat any sense into the FRC or their mouth-breathing fan base. Haters, as the saying goes, gonna hate.
Most practical job interview advice:
Where do you plan to be in five years? How do you handle stressful situations? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? The answer to those questions are all the same: DRINKING!
And a special shout-out goes out to the pastor who also counseled this “man” to fire a woman who’d done nothing wrong. After all, ”Bros before Hos” was the conclusion to Jesus’ first sermon.
Best use of Michael Buffer’s Voice:
Ladies and gentleman have we got a spectacle for you tonight. Standing in the far corner wearing white trunks with even whiter trim and a with a ridiculous hood made from his mother’s tablecloth stands the KU KLUX KLAN!! And in the near corner, wearing nothing as God intended but lacking even basic biblical literacy stands the entire congregation of the WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH!! This is going to be awful, folks, but: Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!
Simply the best:
Any story comparing Obama to both Hitler and Neville Chamberlain is doomed to ridicule. The President can be either a ruthless dictator bent on destroying the US from within or he can be the ineffectual idiot who lucked into power and is going to get us all killed. But he can’t be both Kaiser Soze and Colonial Klink. So which is it? Tri dimensional chess vs. the world or hide-and-go-seek by himself?
Thanks for reading, non-blogospherians. Stick around and let’s see what the next year brings.